My birthday was Sunday, which was also the end of my 101 in 1001 days challenge. I'm not disappointed with the results even though a lot of the goals I set failed. During the two and a half year period I learned a lot and life changed a lot. I had a baby, fought depression and had to make some career adjustments.

I failed 50 of my 101 goals... that means I completed half of what I wanted to do. I think that's pretty good.

( Here is my 101 list as it stands at the end: )

The next thing for me is to follow up with another list. I started it mentally, but never sat down and wrote the goals up. I personally would like to create another list because I found having a list of goals made me want to strive to strike them off. I really liked having this list, even if I failed at things. I made me really look at what I want in life, and what matters. Where my priorities seem to lie, and where things should be changed a little.

Money is often the #1 cause of divorce... and so many people obsess over these stupid little bills. My partner can worry himself sick over this... and thus I become concerned about money.

Right now we're in a tight spot... but then again who isn't? I keep saying, the money will come, we'll figure it out. Something will happen and we'll take care of it. To my partner this is claptrap. This frustrates him because it's not concrete... it's not money. It does not make money appear, and it does not solve the problem. So he stresses more and worries more and I worry more.

I believe in manifestation though... I believe that you can create what you believe in. I believe we're going to be perfectly fine and that we have a lot of different options to check out right now. He sees nothing. He has no answers. Not right now.

This just frustrates me. We have a decent income, even if I'm on unemployment right now. We're still doing really well in my opinion. Our mortgage isn't too obscene. Our bills are a good average. And we still have a lot of fun.

I lived on welfare as a single mom... for years! I lived on $600 a month, for EVERYTHING! That's food, shelter, power, all of it. And I went to school. I figured it out, and goddamnit we'll figure this out.

I don't know how to make him see and understand that. I don't know what I can do... I feel like this is his lesson to learn, but in the same breath, I go down with the ship too if this fucks up.

So how much do I fix it and how much do I stand back and watch?

So this morning I decided to start taking my pills again. I was off of them for about 2 weeks, but this morning when I woke up, I could feel the depression still lurking. And I wasn't necessarily overwhelmed... but I didn't know what to do with it, or how to approach it, which says to me I'm not ready yet.

At least I didn't wait until they were completely out of my system, and then put myself through hell for 4 or so months of being sad, and then having to readjust to them.

So I haven't actually posted much in the last while... I'll give a quick summation of what's been going on + some head-space rants.

Celeste dislocated her elbow about a month or two ago. It sucked. But the doctor popped it back in with no trouble. She handled the whole thing really well considering she's just a baby. She also has gotten her first tooth. She's still not crawling, but she's rolling all over the place. I think crawling is going ot be an afterthought once she starts walking!! We also think she's lactose intolerant. She seemed to be having severe cramps about 2 hours after a bottle... so we've switched to lactose free milk, and she's back to her old self. She'll be visiting the doctor at the end of the month to see more specifically about it.

Raine is doing a lot better with his schoolwork. He's gotten reading glasses. He's been having headaches a lot and we took him to the eye doctor in case that was it... I'm not sure if that's all it is... but he's doing alright right now. We've got a doctor's appointment for him near the end of the month. He's got a birthday coming up this weekend and I'm letting him have a movie party. At the theatre.

I don't want to deal with a mass entourage of children this year, in my house, so we're opting for the movie party with attendant, cake and cleanup in the deal. It's going to cost me at least $150 for 10 kids, but hell... considering throwing a home party would likely cost me $75 for 10 kids (think cake, decorations, prizes, craft stuff, etc... believe it or not it adds up pretty quick) and I don't have to deal with the after mass... I'm happy. Also, I told Raine he could have a party or a birthday present from us... and he chose party. So this is our present to him... that also saves us a few dollars and I'm justifying it this year.

The only concern I have over the whole thing is our movie options are essentially Hannah Montana the movie, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, or Star Trek. Hannah Montana isn't of any interest to us, except maybe one of the two girls that got invited. I don't think the kids would *get* Star Trek. And I'm worried Wolverine might be too intense for a bunch of 7-8 year olds. As of right now, I've got Wolverine booked, but sent a note home with all the parents asking their opinions and to call me if they deem it unsuitable for their kid.

I'm on regular EI right now... the maternity benefits ran out. So I've been doing the job hunt thing because I'm pretty sure there won't be a significant amount of work for me at the station... CBC has received a MAJOR funding cut from the government, and as a result a lot of people in the corporation are losing their jobs. In Moncton, 3-6 people will be cut from our 12 person staff. Now, they still need casuals to fill in for vacation time and all that... but I'm positive there won't be much of the extra stuff.

So, I've been working on my resume and meeting with career counselors and all that jazz. There is a possibility that I might be sent to a summer course for french language training. Since I'm not bilingual, and I live in a significantly bilingual city, it's kind of essential. I can't even really get a crappy-ass retail job because I don't speak french. So getting french under my belt will greatly increase the chances of work. The group I met with might pay for the course and give me a living allowance while I'm taking it. Which would be sweet. But I'm not holding my breath. I have a feeling that I'll end up in a call centre, as that's about 1/3 of the jobs in this city.

I've also stopped taking my anti-depressants. About two weeks ago I ran out of pills, and I had no money to get the prescription renewed. It was about a week before we had cash again, so I bought my prescription... but decided since I've been off of them for a week, lets see what happens if I stop. If things get bad, I'll go back on them. It's been about 2 weeks so far... I've been having headaches, and been REALLY tired. I've also been having a bit of a vertigo sensation. It's not all the time, but it's quite often. Once it lasted the entire day, but normally it's just a few hours. I'm hoping it won't take long to pass.

I'm also hoping the little spell of time on meds was enough to bring me around to stay around. It's going to be hard to say for sure though... I have realized a lot of things, but I haven't fixed them yet. I haven't even started scratching at a lot of it yet. So here's to hoping I don't get overwhelmed and draw back down.

That's all for now... I must get back outside while the weather is beautiful. I'm digging up a plot in the backyard for a garden, and I want to have all the grass pulled off of it by the end of the day!

I've been reflecting on things today... sort of anyways! It's more of a realization as I go about my day to day things. As I've been cleaning the house, I've really been giving it some thorough cleaning. Sure, the spring cleaning bug might have bitten me and that could be the reason for it. And perhaps it's because I had a gathering at my house yesterday, and will have another one in a week. But the thing I've noted is that I'm actually making an effort to clean my house. Not just superficial sweeping and such, but pruning my plants, dusting, sweeping under furniture.

The point I'm trying to make isn't coming out well... I'm trying to say that this is a really simple thing that everyone usually does. But I haven't really been doing it in a long time. And that I think because I'm entering a happier state of mind, I want my environment to reflect that... clutter free, organized, clean, and happy!

The pills have really started to work for me. I still don't like certain side effects... I don't like how forgetful I am... how it's hard to concentrate on more than one thing at once. I don't like that I sometimes catch myself grinding my teeth, or that I still sleep like crap. But I'm not depressed... I'm not berating myself all the time, wanting to cut myself. I'm not super-worried about people's opinions and putting their happiness completely before my own (still a bit though... hard habit to break). I'm becoming happy. There's a cost... but right now it's worth it.

A big indicator that I'm getting better is that I'm starting to host gatherings again. I'm wanting to do activities, go places, meet people. I'm wanting to take the initiative instead of making people come to me. I want to make things work, to happen, to create these events. And again, rather than wait for someone else to start the ball rolling, I'm taking the steps myself.

Yesterday I hosted a clothing swap. Next week, I'm hosting a dress-up-however-you-want tea party. I've always wanted to! And who's going to get around to it but me? On my birthday, I'm throwing an art party. I've always wanted to get together with a bunch of other artists and create... independently, or on one big piece. And I figured it would be a fun thing to do on my birthday!

These are all really good things, and really good steps back to the old happy me. I was always on the go and adventuring. Hell... I hitchhiked British Columbia with my best friend and my 2 year old! We were on the road for a month and a half... living out of our backpacks. And it was wonderful! So little mini adventures are a good step in the right direction.

Another thing I noticed today aside from taking the initiative thing... is that I'm also doing it on important matters. Things I've been putting off because I just didn't want to deal with them.

I'll keep you posted!

So it's been about a month and a half that I've been on the meds. I used the experience leading up to taking them as zine fodder and made the biggest zine I've made to date. "Little White Pill" if you're interested.

They're doing their job, but I'm finding that I'm much more forgetful than I was before. Sure, I've got baby brain going on, but this is more than it was before. The other side-effect that I hope goes away soon is that I'm sleeping horridly.

Aside from that, I felt them working about 4 days into it. I felt pressure...? in the front of my brain which was a bit freaky. And I started to feel much happier. Laughing with my kids and enjoying time instead of laying in bed all day. Side effects that are now since gone were the sick feeling, major anxiety and complete inability to sleep.

A month and a half in, I still feel alright. I know I'm still depressed. I feel my body reacting the way depressed me does... and I feel part of my brain want to react the way depressed me does... but then my brain sort of shrugs it off. It's scary and great in the same breath. I'm not feeling depressed, but I am. At least I don't want to cut myself anymore.

I plan on staying on meds until at least therapy kicks in... and maybe a month or two once it starts. I don't want to be on them long...

The thing that bothers me though is I know I'm still depressed. I can feel it, without really feeling it. My doctor told me to watch that and make sure I don't get more depressed. Sometimes that can happen with the medication.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and opinions on my "Parenting Query" post. This is what I did later that day.

When Raine got home from school, I had yet another talk with him about the whole taking the snacks thing. We talked about trust, and how much these things cost, and it's nice to have treats, but they're not treats if they're all the time.

Then I told him we were going to try something new. Daddy and I were going to put all the snacks and things back where they were, and we were going to have some new rules.

You can have two glasses of juice a day, but no more than that. Then you have to drink milk or water. Juice boxes at school count as one glass. You can eat as much fruit and vegetables as you want, but if we start to run out you have to tell mommy because we need to buy more. If it's close to breakfast, lunch or supper, you have to wait and eat that meal before snacking. If you've eaten that meal and you're still hungry, have more of that meal before taking snacks. Certain foods are going to have to last a certain period of time. If they're gone, there will be no more until the next time to buy them. School snacks and household treats are still off-limits without permission. If we catch you in them, there will be no more in the house. School snacks will become apples and plain crackers. Treats will disappear for everyone.

It's been about a week and so far so good.

I posted this in an online parenting forum, but thought I'd see if any of you ljers would liek to offer me some input...

My son is 7 and is a pretty good kid overall. He's smart and athletic, but also shy and insecure. I'm currently having him tested for learning disabilities, and worry that he isn't emotionaly stable. I'm seekign child therapy for him, but we are curretnly on a waiting list for both of these.

The issue I'm specifically asking about is this: For about the past two years we've been struggling with him taking things taht are not his, or without asking for them... mainly food.

We have a bucket put away on the top shelf of the cupboard that holds all the seasonal treats, candy and the like. He has gotten in to it on many occasions and taken the treats without asking, or while we were still asleep. He also knows he's not supposed to do this, so he hides the evidence (wrappers, etc). To this specific event, our attempt to punish him was to tell him the next time he did it, he would lose half of it to the garbage. And if he did it again, it would all go into the garbge. This did not stophim and he went into the bucket anyway. He was very upset when we threw thecandy out, but he proceeded to go into it again despite being reminded what would happen again. This has happened a couple of times with this bucket, and now we don't keep candy in the house.

Another incident was him stealing candy from our roomate's room. He took some candy on more than one occasion, and when he was caught refused to apologize. He was grounded to the corner until he would (which he still didn't). We asked his after school Tae Kwon Do program to talk to him about it, and he immedietly apologized afterwards... which tells me he doesn't have the same respect for us (his parents) as he does his teachers.

Another problem is that he's been eating his school lunch snacks in the mornings before we wake up. At first I told him that they're expensive and that if he's still hungry in the morning to pour more cereal or eat something else. Then when he continued (sometimes eating snacks instead of breakfast) we took 1 snack away for the week (out of 2 a day). When he contniued, we took both away. When he continued we had a big talk about trust and how he was letting us down, and showing us that we couldn't trust him. He told us that he can't help it, they're too good. And that we should take them away from the cupboard. So we did. And we're rationing them out to him. But he complains and asks when they will be put back.

This also doesn't stop him frmo taking ice cream, crackers, or other things without permission from the rest of the house. He gets into anything that he thinks will taste good. He will often lie that he took things until we show evidence.

I don't want to make a big deal about it because he's a growing kid and needs to eat, and in the same breath, he knows he's not supposed to take these things. I worry that if he can't use his willpower to stop himself, tehn next things will be alcohol, drugs and sex when he's older.

I realize that our approach doesn't seem to be working and I hope someone can give me some advice to help me show him better how to strengthen his willpower and make good choices. I also would like a more constructive discipline method as my current one doesn't work

Thanks in advance.

Oh my God. I don't know how many of you that read this blog have ever been on anti-depressants. Why didn't someone warn me of the first few days. Hurr... today I feel like death is breathing over my shoulder. I switch between chills and sweats. My muscles are aching; it hurts to move. <y head feels high in that "I'm sick" kind of way. A friend of mine who's on Prozac mentioned to me yesterday evening before this hit me that I would likely hit some flu-like-symptoms shortly. Holy hell. I want off this ride. To top it all off, I've got my lady time, aka the bees, Aunt Flo, etc.

So I have been prescribed Apo-Citalopram by my doctor. I'm almost having anxiety just looking at the bottle. I have yet to take the first tablet.

I know this is something that is supposed to make me feel better. I know this is something that is supposed to be good for me. But I am so apprehensive about this.

I've never been a fan of things that don't originate from nature. I looked into St. Johns Wort, and reflexology and aromatherapy. I just don't have money for things that aren't covered by medicare or our health insurance.

*sigh*

I'm depressed about being depressed and needing something that will make me not depressed.

Last Saturday, Raine woke up with a rash all over the trunk of his body. He complained that it itched a little, but that there was nothing else that bothered him. For the life of me, I couldn't think of anything that it might be. It didn't look like any of the rashes he might encounter - ie heat rash or scarlet fever. It looked sort of like chicken pox, but not quite. And it was only on his trunk, mainly on his chest. I figured that it might be a reaction his bedsheets that haven't been changed in a couple of weeks, or that maybe it was time to put his dust mite sheet in the dryer again. I put him to bed and hoped it would go away. But in the middle of the night, he woke up complaining that it was itching, almost crying. I put calamine lotion on him and planned on booking a clinic appointment the next day.

When we were seen by the doctor, she was pretty stumped. She went through a few possibilities, and decided that it must be rosea. But she wouldn't give me an official diagnosis, and told me that if it was still present in a few days, that I should have him seen again. She told me that he couldn't go to school until it was officially diagnosed in case it was something that was contagious.

Of course, I looked it up when I got home, and rosea is non-contagious, and can last up to 6 months in some cases. Most cases aren't as extreme as Raine has it, and it usually doesn't itch. So I'm planning on bringing him to the doctor tomorrow for a second opinion, and to hope that he can go back to school. Otherwise, I could have him home for the next while.

Having him home today wasn't bad. (Yesterday was a snow day, so he would have been home anyway. And it was QUITE a snow day, so Michel was home too.) It's actually been kind of nice having him home because I've had time to actually play and spend wit him. We were planning on baking a cake this afternoon, but I'm out of eggs. And taking time to do little things like that with him is something I have been meaning to do, but keep putting off in favour of other things.

So this is good for me... him being around like this. It might be a little hard at times, but it's important for the both of us. And I've been too busy with him to lay around and be depressed. I find I have more initiative to get up and make sure he's not into something he shouldn't be, and to do something with him. So even though this rash sucks hardcore, it's a blessing in disguise.

So I had made a deal with my doctor that she wouldn't get uber-pushy about medication with me as long as I could get in to see a therapist before my free therapy kicked in. I checked out what our insurance covered, and it's actually decent... 80% of the cost. But we have to pay it up front and get reimbursed... and I just can't afford that right now. We're getting pretty tight, and I'm having to start dropping a lot of my extras like mail swaps and ice cream. So I guess the next time I go in to see her I'm likely to get put on some sort of medication.

It's frightening to me, and in the same breath, relieving. I'm so tired... so sad. I'm tired of being sad. It's not like I sob all day, every day... though I think that would be better for me. I find I'm keeping it all in because I'm tending to Celeste through the day, and then I'm tending to the rest of the family at night.

It's been a constant problem... I don't get any ME time. I don't know what kind of me time will be fulfilling enough... I somehow need to get away from the rest of them to really get it properly though.

Back to the medication thing... I'm really hoping it doesn't change me, aside from the whole depressed bit. I greatly dislike having to rely on something to change who I am because I can't do it on my own.

Fuck.

So this will sound weird to a lot of you, and maybe a little shocking... but I need to find a constructive method of hurting myself.

Let me explain. As you may or may not have gathered, I am depressed. Seriously. It's been a while since I've been this low... though I'm not the lowest I've ever been. But when I get this low I start to want to cut myself... and then I eventually do it. I'm on the waiting list for therapy... I was told about 2 to 3 months... but I know for fact that I'm not going to be able to make that with out sinking further down than I am right now.

I've got belly dance... it's really good for me. But because it's good, it helps me tap into myself, and tears down some of the walls I've built up to hide from my feelings. Thus, afterward, I feel REALLY destructive. It makes me want to quit... but I really enjoy the classes and the people.

So I'm trying to think... is there some sort of way I can hurt myself in a constructive format? Pushing my body with exercise was an idea, but in the same breath, I know I won't likely be able to because the baby demands so much of my time. Suggestions to this are appreciated, though don't send them because you have pity or are trying to prevent me from hurting myself... I know this is an unhealthy thought, and I'm trying to get help. If I can't beat this on my own before therapy, the next step is medication... I just want to avoid that route as much as possible.

Speaking of medication, my doctor is still really pushing me towards it. I'm less reluctant now because I really am sinking... and she told me about a type that is known not to make you stop FEELING which is my main reason for not wanting to get on any. I don't want to go numb, and she says this particular brand is really good for that. So I'm really weighing it now as an option. She said insurance might not cover it though... so I may have to start with a cheaper and generic brand first in order to get it eventually. I don't really want to be on anti-depressants long enough to play around with the types... let alone at all.

The rest of life is ok. I went to the sweetest little thing last night and had a blast. I've been trying to get out of the house more, though I'm making excuses a lot. And I need to really focus on manifesting the positive things in my life more.

I'll keep you posted!

Ha ha ha! Sailor Jupitor! How appropriate!!

// Who are you?

The cats are frolicking and the baby is cooing. It's -20'C outside and that's not including the wind-chill...

Yesterday was an interesting day... so much to process... where to start? I guess chronologically...

The kids and I all had doctor appointments in the morning. Celeste is well and healthy; is developing as normal. Raine was there to go over the test results of the learning disability testing by Dr. Hurst. According to these results Raine has ADHD and is a little OCD. There was also a recommendation for Raine to go to mental health for psychological screening... and possible therapy. I don't necessarily object as there have been a few things I think professional help would be good for him. But the doctor kept talking about "possible medication." That puts me on my guard as I don't necessarily want to medicate my son to "fix" him... I want him to learn to use his other skills to overcome any difficulties he's experiencing.

Then it was on to me... the doctor checked in on me and my current state of depression. She had given me some stuff to read last time I was there, and asked me if I recognized myself in it at all. Of course there were things I could relate too... yeah... I'd been having trouble getting out of bed. I'd been eating very poorly. I wasn't getting dressed until late in the day if at all... etc etc etc. So the doctor said she'd make a recommendation for me to be seen by mental health as well. I reminded her that I've already got an intake appointment with them and that I was going next week. So the next thing she talked about was possible medication. Seriously lady. Medication can be a useful tool, but don't use it as your first tool! At least that's my opinion. She said she understands my standoffishness about medication, but that if I can't jumpstart myself out of this state, then it can be something to help. Personally, I want to try on my own first. Her logic was that if I wait too long without medication, I might slip too far. So she scheduled a meeting for 2 weeks from now to discuss it again, without Raine in the room with me.

It really frustrates me. She's being so pushy with it. I don't want it. I don't want to be numb. I want to DEAL. I don't want something to block things off. I want to DEAL. That's what therapy is supposed to be for. Wait until I've been assessed at least! I'm not knocking people who go for meds the first time around... but in my opinion, they're over prescribed and overused.

Next, it's time to drop Raine off at school and head home for a spell. I come online and check my dailies... who's posted on lj. Who's said what on facebook. Oh! I've got a friend request.

*world explodes*

It's him.

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?! *cry*

I call my best friend. She was the one I went to when I left him. She took the wounded me and helped me heal... pick the pieces back up and put them together. She never met him, but she saw what he did to me. She's not home.

I call Amanda. She met him when I did. She was there in the beginning of the chaos and insanity. She was there not too long afterward as well. She understands from her own similar perspectives. But we can't talk long. Michel is home for lunch and I'm a mess. He'll be wondering what's wrong.

I cry in his arms. I tell him Mike has contacted me and sent me messages saying he's thinking about me and wishing he had the baby with me and wishing we were still together and that he was scared and oh my god. My heart is aching so much right now. Why did this happen to me so long ago and why does it still hurt so much?

What do I do? Do I ignore his message and pretend he never sent it? Do I write him back and tell him to fuck off and die? Do I rant at him and tell him everything I ever wanted to say to his face? Do I try to keep the peace and remember the beautiful love we had? I'm so overwhelmed... but life goes on and I have to shut this off and be mommy and friend and take all these other responsibilities on again.

And that ability is kind of scary... just being able to turn it off. No more emotion... completely running on brain. It's cold, and frightening and only half of me that's going along in life. And it can be attributed to so many other things that are wrong with me right now... but that's another story for later.

Next it's to court to plead guilty to a parking ticket a friend of mine got with my car. She forgot about it and it went to court... and she had to work... so I'm left dealing with it. It worked out in the end because the judge took a look at Celeste and melted. The ticket got throw out after I explained the situation to her. I'm sure it was only because of Celeste and her cute little red pigtails.

Then it's home where I have to start thinking about supper... but instead, I grab a canvas and paint it black and then start adding more and more and more. It's the first time I've painted in about 5 years... maybe more. I haven't had the time... I haven't made the time... and I feel like I've forgotten how. I don't really like the end results... but that's not important right now. Right now, I painted something. And I hope that keeps the ball rolling. I hope it opens the creative outlet in me and helps bring me about into myself.

And that pretty well brings the day to a close. Aside from all the typical things that occur like parenting and bedtimes and the rest. And it brings me to a new day, with new possibilities, and new approaches.

I wrote Mike back. In 5 paragraphs I told him that he hurt me and my son and that I haven't forgotten the pain and the breech of trust. That I have moved on with my life and he should too. And to never contact me again. I hope he doesn't respond... but my partner, Michel, mentioned that I can just block him. I had forgotten about that feature. And I think I might use it if he does write back. Because I want him gone. I like to stay friends with my exes... but not him. Goodbye Mike. Goodbye forever.

Most fun quiz I've taken in a while!!

	I received 78 credits on The Sci Fi Sounds Quiz How much of a Sci-Fi geek are you?
Quiz by SheGoddess: quick weight loss

I was telling my partner the other day that I need to lose weight. I'm the heaviest I've ever been (when not pregnant) and I think it's starting to interfere with things in my health. I've never had an ingrown toenail, and one's starting up. I've never really had posture issues. I've never really been so tired (aside from depression moments, which is also another thing that could be contributing to the weight thing). Etc. So I told him I want to start dropping the pounds.

He said he wanted to lose weight too... so why don't we make a competition out of it. We're both quite competitive against each other, so this could be a really good thing to give us incentive and egg each other on. So we decided that each month, whoever has lost the most weight, gets to spend $20 frivolously towards whatever they want. That's a big deal when you're budget is tight. And we both have hobbies that we'd both LOVE to sink a few dollars into. We also decided that after 4 months, whoever has lost the most in total will get to spend a frivolous $200. It's especially awesome since that's the beginning of the summer and I've been much too self-conscious to even think about wearing a bathing suit these last few years.

So it's begun. We weighed ourselves on Wednesday, and we'll be keeping tally. I would ideally like to lose 55lbs of my weight. I am currently 215lbs at the height of 5'10". My ideal weight is 160lbs. Though if I'm going by those calculator things, it's anywhere between 130-170lbs. But from previous times in life, I'd say I would be best at 160lbs.